Char
Fenling
Indianized
Jo
John
Kang
Karen Cheng
Kueen
Laine
Libbie
Poey
Rayner
Ryce
Spartan
Stella
Suagu

March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 May 2008 October 2008 November 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009

I’m so touched that Kim came to have lunch with me today. Although yes I found out that she doesn’t work that near after all. Hee.. took my mind of things… having lunch with her..

I had a dream few days back, in the dream I dreamt that HE called me and told me that he wants to work things out and that we’ll be together again. I woke up feeling ecstatic for a few seconds before reality crashed in. It was double the blow to feel a sense of happiness and having to fall face flat onto the ground. The next night, I had a nightmare instead. I dreamt of HIM and IT(that gal) together and I was told to go away, leave them alone. The feeling hurts, feels absofuckinglutely terrible that I wished I could just stab myself in the heart and let the blood ooze out slowly, and I’ll just lie there bleeding to death slowly thinking back on the past 25 years of my life. I hope lightning doesn’t strike thrice because if it does I don’t think I’ll be able to pick myself up again.

Somehow looking at the people around, everyone seems so strong. Yes, who hasn’t been through a break-up before? Everyone has and yet why is it especially difficult for me to cope with it? My friends tell me, ‘I didn’t know that this thing will afftect you so much, I thought you were strong.’. He tells me, ‘I always thought you were strong enough but I guess I was wrong.” Well guess what? I fucking thought I was too! I guess I overestimated myself. It sucks I hate being this weak and useless. I hate losing control. Well, the truth is I’ve been bottling everything inside for the past 4-5 months and it’s only recently that I exploded. Maybe that’s the breaking point, which is why I advise others now, why you feel like crying CRY coz internal bleeding may occur if you keep everything inside and well perhaps just go nutsy like me.

Sometimes I wished I never found out about that picture and yet at times I know maybe it’s for the best. How many times do I have to stab myself in the heart before I can wake up and truly give up. Will it ever come to a point where you go overboard and lose yourself in the process? I’m scared, so scared that I’ll never be able to pick myself up again, so scared that I’ll never return. I thank my friends for standing by me through this time, without them, I’ll long gone from the face of this earth. And yet I’m scared that soon they’ll be tired of all of this, there’s a limit to everything what if I can’t recover in time? I can’t fight time neither can I beat it, I’m losing my grip on everything around me.

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