Life is a journey

Friday, March 30, 2007

You said you wouldn’t
But you did
Gave me hopes
And left me dead
Maybe it’s pity
Maybe it’s guilt
I don’t know what it is
But it didn’t feel good
My heart was pounding
Hands were shaking
Tears were falling
Lips were trembling
It sure didn’t feel good

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Minutes seem like hours
And hours seem like days
Smiles hide my pain
Laughter hides the silent tears
I feel to face reality
I imagine to dash hopes
I cry to gain strength
I pray to seek courage
I hope to find myself
I long to forget you
I’m learning to stand alone
It’s hard but I’m trying, I really am

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Suffocating and I can’t breathe
My heart beat is racing
My hands are trembling
It was a nightmare but it feels so real
I could feel the pain
I could taste the tears
The image is so vivid
I just can’t shake it off
It haunts me every single second
It’s trapping me inside
Every time I take 2 steps forward
You come and throw me 5 steps back
Why do you want to help me
When all you do is break me
Why do you say it’s all for my good
When actually it’s all for yours
Why do you make it sound like it’s my fault
For behaving the way I do
Why is it that when I’m angry at you
I get even angrier with myself
Why do you have to take a knife
And stab me so many times in the heart

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I’m so touched that Kim came to have lunch with me today. Although yes I found out that she doesn’t work that near after all. Hee.. took my mind of things… having lunch with her..

I had a dream few days back, in the dream I dreamt that HE called me and told me that he wants to work things out and that we’ll be together again. I woke up feeling ecstatic for a few seconds before reality crashed in. It was double the blow to feel a sense of happiness and having to fall face flat onto the ground. The next night, I had a nightmare instead. I dreamt of HIM and IT(that gal) together and I was told to go away, leave them alone. The feeling hurts, feels absofuckinglutely terrible that I wished I could just stab myself in the heart and let the blood ooze out slowly, and I’ll just lie there bleeding to death slowly thinking back on the past 25 years of my life. I hope lightning doesn’t strike thrice because if it does I don’t think I’ll be able to pick myself up again.

Somehow looking at the people around, everyone seems so strong. Yes, who hasn’t been through a break-up before? Everyone has and yet why is it especially difficult for me to cope with it? My friends tell me, ‘I didn’t know that this thing will afftect you so much, I thought you were strong.’. He tells me, ‘I always thought you were strong enough but I guess I was wrong.” Well guess what? I fucking thought I was too! I guess I overestimated myself. It sucks I hate being this weak and useless. I hate losing control. Well, the truth is I’ve been bottling everything inside for the past 4-5 months and it’s only recently that I exploded. Maybe that’s the breaking point, which is why I advise others now, why you feel like crying CRY coz internal bleeding may occur if you keep everything inside and well perhaps just go nutsy like me.

Sometimes I wished I never found out about that picture and yet at times I know maybe it’s for the best. How many times do I have to stab myself in the heart before I can wake up and truly give up. Will it ever come to a point where you go overboard and lose yourself in the process? I’m scared, so scared that I’ll never be able to pick myself up again, so scared that I’ll never return. I thank my friends for standing by me through this time, without them, I’ll long gone from the face of this earth. And yet I’m scared that soon they’ll be tired of all of this, there’s a limit to everything what if I can’t recover in time? I can’t fight time neither can I beat it, I’m losing my grip on everything around me.

Read this in a book "It's so much easier to get over people when you can pretend they've stopped existing-almost as if they've died. You feel sad rather than angry. You can grieve. And it helps you move on. But it means that when you do see them it's that much more painful, a big fat reminder that they're out there, living their life, not giving you a second thought."

A friend once asked me, would you rather the person you love die or left you for another. The first time round I answered without hesitation DIED! Yet after a while I chose the other. Yes it's so much more painful when the person u love leaves u for another but yet if you love that person, why would you want them to die? Men are selfish by nature, I don't think I can say with all honesty that if you're happy with someone else right now, I'm also happy for you. Sometimes I just wish that I could consume myself with hate for you but I just can't.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Today is the day I shut my door. Not letting anyone in anymore but slowly letting go of someone whom I hold dearly to my heart. The decision was painful and heart wrenching but I know it's for the best, not seeing you for the next few months. I no longer wanna walk behind you anymore for all I can see is your back. I'm gonna turn around and walk away, hoping that our paths will cross again one day. I guess it's the only way to keep the friendship. I no longer want to hear about her, there's no reason in doing so.

I feel that I've lost a huge part of me. I feel empty, vacant and souless. How long will it take.. just how long...

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Occasionally I feel like I'm strong enough
Yet often I feel like breaking down
I really want to be tough
But it's just so difficult now
When things are just so rough
To failure shall I bow
but I really wanna laugh
Can someone please teach me how

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

How long will it take to mend a broken heart? Experts say half the time you were together. I tell myself and the people around me that it's too long a time. I can't afford that amount of time cos I'll prob be dead by then. And yet who can define or set a time limit.

I used to tell people, only time will heal the pain but I can't practice what I preach. It's often the case. It's been a month and I'm still standing right where I started, each time when I feel like I've taken 3 steps forward, I suddenly get blown away and I fall 10 steps behind. It's the cruel little thing called hope, something that I gotta kill to move on and yet have to live on, how ironic.

It's funny how life sometimes play a cruel joke on you. We've switched places. You used to try when I wanted to give up and yet when I wanted to try, you gave up.

I used to think I was strong
but now I know that I was so wrong
How could a love that held on for so long
suddenly become so torn
All the promises that were sworn
Have fallen into the pond (Hah! Crapess)
Now that you're gone
I'm left alone to mourn

My heart bleeds and my heart hurts, so bad that I don't know if I'll ever be what or who I used to be. Yes I will not die without you but yes also that many times I just feel like doing so. I'm broken and all I'm trying to do right now is to pick up the broken pieces and try to mend them back. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again or will I ever finish picking the pieces up. I've lost myself and my sense of direction. I hate it coz I didn't used to be like that. I hate being weak and I hate to feel this way. I'm so scared of falling behind and I'm so afraid that I'll remain in this spot forever.

In the process of losing you, I've also lost myself.